Navigating Family Dynamics During the Holidays: Embracing Your Cultural Language

It’s time for the Holidays! Even if you don’t celebrate any particular holiday during this time, one thing is true: this is a time for a lot of family obligations. Whether it’s your biological family or chosen family, this is a time to come together. 

Any time people come together, most people in my field like to talk about their favourite word--"boundaries". I like to generally stay away from conversations about boundaries. For one reason: it is a concept that is generally misunderstood, and also doesn’t always translate well across families. Here are two thoughts that capture this idea well:

I think there are generally two types of families. One type of family is one that follows rules and has a strict adherence to what will happen, when it will happen, and how it will happen. These are families that typically have a lot of Western European influence, or often a heavy British influence. These families value structure, decorum, and tradition. Let’s call them Family Type A.

The other type of family is one where there aren’t many rules. You come when you want, you leave when you want, and you talk about whatever it is that you want. These families value authenticity, passion, and unity. They embrace the chaos. These are families that typically have an Eastern European, Middle Eastern, and Asian influence. Let’s call them Family Type B.

Previously, these are families that would be described as individualistic or collectivist. However, I don’t like this framing of cultures. That type of framing was useful for a certain period of time. I don’t believe it is useful anymore. Now we live in a globalized world. A world in which there are many second generation immigrants who are straddling between two worlds. Sometimes within a family there are some people who are more individualistic or more collectivist. I prefer the framing mentioned above, because it allows for the nuance and complexity of families in the current world.  

Within Family Type A, boundaries may be a very useful tool because these families understand rules; they understand expectations. They have a language to facilitate and accommodate such discussions. Family Type B doesn’t. Family Type B operates with a different cultural language. It is a language of subtlety. 

One of my favourite scenes from The Sopranos that I quote a lot (by the way, The Sopranos are Family Type B if it isn’t obvious already) is when Tony’s mother is angry and yelling about something and rather than engaging with the conversation or discussion Carmela (her daughter in law), says “you must be hungry Ma, here’s a snack”. She completely redirects the conversation, and takes the attention away from whatever Tony’s mother was saying. That is one of the many examples that shows how different families operate.

My belief is that families and family members operate best when everyone agrees and plays by the set of rules that exist within a family. Sometimes those rules need to be renegotiated, but they have to remain within the general structure. Another thing I often say is - "you can’t play basketball with ice skates". Some things are fundamentally incompatible and it’s important to speak the same cultural language. 

If you come from Family Type B, boundaries may not be useful a tool because it is a word, an idea that doesn’t fit into the cultural language. Instead, you have to rely on redirection, sarcasm, light-heartedness, and connection. 

Here are some examples of common questions you might get during the holidays and their responses based on Family Type B:

Question: “So, when are you getting married?”

Family Type B - “You must not be praying for me hard enough” or “Find me a guy!” or “No one wants to marry an old hag like me anyways”, or “My biceps don’t agree with marriage” or “This lamb is really tender, have you tried it?”

Question - “So, what are you going to do after you’re finished school?”

Family Type B - “This lamb is really tender, have you tried it?”, or “I’m never gonna finish school”, or “What did you do after you finished school?”, or “Probably work for an AI robot overlord.”

Sometimes you just can’t have the conversation that other people want to have. And, you don’t have to! The hope is that you can feel confident enough to be able to give answers that fit into the cultural language. If you give answers that don’t fit into the cultural language, you will probably leave feeling misunderstood, invalidated and everyone around you will probably feel very confused.

If you struggle with communication in your family, please feel free to reach out and we can talk more about this.