.png)
Parenting is a special thing. It’s one of the most rewarding experiences you can have in life, but it’s also one of the most challenging. Often, the most challenging things are also the most rewarding. Parenting with your partner, as a team, is an incredible privilege, but it brings its own complexities, especially when you and your partner have different approaches. One of you might favour structure and discipline, while the other leans toward flexibility and exploration. These differences, while natural, can sometimes create tension in your relationship or confusion for your kids.
At Couples & Family Therapy Collective, we often work with parents navigating this kind of dynamic. Here’s the good news: different parenting styles don’t always have to mean conflict, and, even when they do, some healthy conflict is not a bad thing! With a little intentionality and understanding, your differences can complement each other and make your family stronger.
When it comes to parenting, I like to remember 3 things - the key to parenting is a successful relationship between the parents first and foremost. Then, it is essential that whatever parenting approach you use towards your child is developmentally appropriate, and lastly ensure that whatever approach or style you use takes into account that whatever you do can potentially make your child feel unloved or unwanted.
Understanding Parenting Styles
First, let’s talk about what we mean by "parenting styles." While everyone has their unique way of raising their children, most approaches fall into a few broad categories:
Authoritative: A balance of warmth and rules. Parents set clear expectations but are also responsive to their child’s needs.
Authoritarian: High on discipline and structure but low on flexibility. There’s often a “because I said so” vibe here. This is often where I bring in ideas about the developmental age of their age. Sometimes, some approaches are introduced too early or sometimes some approaches are introduced too late.
Permissive: Lots of love, but not a lot of rules. These parents prioritize their child’s happiness, sometimes at the expense of structure.
Uninvolved: Minimal involvement in the child’s life, which can leave kids feeling unloved, and unwanted.
A lot of the time, the way we parent is shaped by our own childhood experiences. For example, one person might crave the structure they didn’t have growing up, while the other might want to create a relaxed environment for their own child because they were raised with extremely strict parents. The key here is that whatever approach you use and however you use it, your relationship with each other is foundational.
Why Parenting Differences Arise
Parenting styles can clash because they often come from deeply held beliefs about what’s right, wrong, effective, kind, etc. These beliefs can be shaped by:
Cultural or family norms
Personal childhood experiences
Fear of repeating your own or your parents’ mistakes
Different priorities (e.g., academic success vs. emotional well-being)
When these differences come up, it’s easy to feel like your partner is criticizing or undermining your approach. But it’s not about “right” or “wrong”—it’s about finding common ground.
How to Navigate Different Parenting Styles
So, how do you handle these differences without causing unnecessary stress for yourself, your children, and your relationship? Here are some steps to help you work together effectively:
1. Try Curiosity, Not Criticism
Think about how you ask your partner questions. Instead of “Why do you always let them stay up so late?” try asking, “What’s your thinking about bedtime flexibility?” Understanding your partner’s intentions can help you see their perspective more clearly.
2. Identify Shared Goals
Deep down, you and your partner likely share the same big-picture goals: raising happy, healthy, and kind children. Focus on what unites you, rather than what divides you. Remind yourself and each other that you’re on the same team.
3. Create a Parenting Mission Statement
It might sound a little formal, but a simple agreement about your family’s values can help guide your decisions. For example, you might agree that fostering independence, showing respect, and prioritizing kindness are key. Write it down somewhere, or repeat it to one another once in a while. I like to borrow from Medieval thinking at times. Think of your family as a Royal House. What does this House stand for, what are the coat of arms, and what is the slogan?
4. Divide and Conquer
This is important: Remember that you don’t always have to parent the same way! Play to each other’s strengths. If one of you thrives on creating schedules and routines, handle the more structured parts of parenting. If the other is better at handling emotional conversations, let them take the lead there. No one is good at everything. That’s why you’re doing this as a team. I often tell parents that imagine how enriching your child’s experience is if they are exposed to different styles of parenting.
5. Model Healthy Conflict Resolution
Disagreements and conflict are normal, but how you handle them teaches your kids extremely valuable lessons. Show them how to respectfully listen, compromise, and move forward from an argument. Resolving conflicts with care fosters emotional security in children. These moments show them that disagreements don’t have to threaten a relationship, but can instead strengthen it if handled well.
6. Bring in a Neutral Third Party
If you’re finding it hard to navigate these conversations on your own, working with a couples or family therapist can help. A professional can help you to discover the tools you need to communicate effectively and help you align your approaches.
When Different Styles Are a Good Thing
Your differences can be a strength! Kids benefit from seeing that there’s more than one way to approach a problem. When one parent emphasizes boundaries and the other offers a nurturing perspective, kids learn flexibility and adaptability. In the long run, the key is consistency. Even if your styles vary, your children will feel secure when they know their parents are a united team.
Navigating different parenting styles is all about understanding each other and working together for your children’s well-being. By focusing on shared goals, staying curious, and leaning into your strengths as a team, you can create a parenting dynamic that feels balanced and supportive for everyone involved.
And remember, you don’t have to figure it all out alone. Our therapists are here to help you navigate the complexities of parenting and relationships with care and empathy. Book a session today to get started.
Comments