What Love Is (According to The Wire)

One of my favorite scenes from The Wire is when Proposition Joe sets up a meeting with Omar and Stringer. He says this line that I often think about because he is talking about my line of work.

He says:

"I'm doing like one of them marriage counselors. Charge about an hour to tell some fool he need to bring some flowers home, and charge another hour telling the b**** she ought to suck some c*** every once in a while. You know, keep a marriage strong like that."

I laugh every time at how brutally simple Joe makes it sound. Because in his own way, he's describing something a lot of couples like to talk about -- love languages. Bring home gifts (that's gifts/acts of service) and make sure your partner gets physical touch.

The scene touches on a deeper societal belief that there is a formula to a relationship, to people, and to love. We tend to try to turn love into math. Like there's some perfect equation where if you just input the right variables - flowers here, sex there - you get this perfect relationship output. It's understandable. But, while I do see the utility of thinking about things conceptually in that way sometimes, or the utility of the idea that sometimes in relationships you will do things that you don’t want to or don’t like doing, I do think there is a key ingredient that is missing in all that: authenticity.

That is, what do you want to do? Or, how can you do something for your partner that is also something you want to do? How can you find some common ground? Reach an understanding so that the thing that gives your partner pleasure and satisfaction, also gives you pleasure and satisfaction.

Real love isn't about following a relationship algorithm. It's not about doing things becasue your counselor (or Proposition Joe) told you you should. My belief is that love, relationships, and marriage are largely about doing the thing that comes from your heart. Doing the thing that makes it feel meaningful. If you do the meaningful thing, and you do it consistently enough, you will be satisfied. 

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