Why 'Baby Reindeer' Feels Familiar

It’s been a little while since Baby Reindeer had everyone under its spell. We live in a world where cultural texts captivate us momentarily. We rush to analyze them for a month or two before moving on. However, sometimes it helps to revisit things after some time has passed. A little distance from the noise can help us reflect. I found myself thinking about Baby Reindeer recently and decided to share my thoughts.

The Complexity of Baby Reindeer

Baby Reindeer is a hard show to watch. The story is captivating, but I often found myself needing to watch it in chunks. As a therapist, Donny’s choices felt familiar. He laughs off Martha’s early intrusions and minimizes her threats, even as they become more severe. When he finally tells someone the truth about what is happening to him, he backtracks and claims, “It’s not that bad.” There is a certain familiarity to this experience.

This show isn’t just about a stalker. To me, it’s also about the little everyday things we do in search of connection, even when those actions are to our own detriment. Let’s dive into these reflections today.

The Helper’s Curse

Donny has a habit of giving Martha free tea at the bar. He continues this even when things become uncomfortable. That small, seemingly kind act—offering something to someone who’s already demanding too much—is where many toxic relationships take root.

I've heard various versions of this mentality:

• “If I’m just patient enough, then maybe …”

• “They’ve had a hard life, so their behavior is understandable …”

• “I can handle it. It’s not too much.”

  
  

There can be truth in some of these statements. However, we often mistake endurance for love. This is especially common when we learn at an early age that care comes with strings attached, as Donny did with his abusive family. The problem isn’t that Donny is kind; it’s that his kindness lacks boundaries. He continues to help Martha even when he feels uncomfortable. He gives until there’s nothing left.

The Addiction of Almost-Love

Baby Reindeer captures something subtle yet profound. Trauma doesn't just hurt us; it rewires our thinking. Martha sends Donny around 41,000 emails. On the surface, that's harassment. Beneath, it’s a metaphor for how toxic relationships can dominate our thoughts.

Donny becomes trapped in a familiar mental loop:

• “I need to block her.”

• “But she seemed so sad last time.”

• “What if she’s actually sorry?”

  
  

This cycle may seem weak or irrational, but it’s chemical! Our brains chemically respond to hope. Neuroscience calls this “intermittent reinforcement.” Rare moments of warmth amidst chaos light up our brains like a slot machine, delivering dopamine hits. We become addicted to the idea of someone, not the reality.

Sometimes, I ask, “What are you hoping will happen?” Answers usually involve variations of: “That they’ll finally see/understand me.” The unfortunate truth, which Baby Reindeer highlights, is that some people only see us as mirrors for their own needs. This harsh reality is worth facing.

The Silent Shame

For me, the most heartbreaking part of the show isn’t Martha’s behavior, which is indeed sad. The most tragic aspect is Donny’s silence. He hides the stalking from his girlfriend, friends, and even the police. He is not only afraid; he is ashamed. Shame can be much heavier to carry than fear.

Shame loves isolation and thrives in it. It causes us to tell ourselves damaging things, such as:

• “You let this happen.”

• “You’re weak.”

• “No one would understand.”

  
  

This mindset leads to a dark and lonely place. Therapy plays a significant role in transforming this experience. One effective way to combat a shame spiral is by talking about these feelings in a judgment-free setting. It’s vital to feel safe while sharing your story. Through this process, you can begin to separate what was done to you from what you did to survive or cope. A therapist can assist you in finding that distinction and shift some of the blame and guilt into self-compassion.

The Light on the Other Side

What makes Baby Reindeer so devastating is its realism. It’s not just based on a true story; true crime often distances us from the monsters depicted. This show compels us to recognize ourselves in these characters, especially in Donny’s desperate hopefulness.

The biggest lesson we can draw from this show is that we must stop mistaking our capacity to endure pain for our worthiness to receive love. The two concepts are distinct. Understanding this distinction is essential for healing. Moreover, shame flourishes in silence; it festers. Finding an outlet—whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist—is vital for breaking the cycle and discovering your truth.

If you see yourself in this story, know that we are here to help.

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