What 'Baby Reindeer' Teaches Us About Toxic Relationships

It’s been a little while since Baby Reindeer had everyone under its spell. We live in a world where a cultural text captivates us momentarily, we rush to analyze it for a month or two and then we’re onto the next thing. But sometimes I find it helpful to revisit things after some time has passed and they’re out of the zeitgeist. A little distance from the noise can help me to reflect. So I found myself thinking a lot about Baby Reindeer recently and I decided to share my thoughts about it.

Baby Reindeer is a hard show to watch. As captivating as the story is, I found myself having to watch it in chunks. As a therapist, Donny’s choices seemed kind of familiar to me. The way he laughed off Martha’s early intrusions. How he minimized her threats, even as they got more and more severe. And that moment when he finally told someone the truth of what was happening to him, only to immediately backtrack and say “It’s not that bad.” There’s a familiarity to this experience for me.

This show isn’t just about a stalker. To me, it’s also about the little everyday things we do in search of connection, even when those things are to our own detriment. I want to dive into some of these reflections today.

The Helper’s Curse

Donny makes a habit of giving Martha free tea at the bar. He continues to do this even after things start to become uncomfortable. That small, seemingly kind act—giving something to someone who’s already demanding too much—is where so many toxic relationships take root.  

I’ve heard different versions of this:  

“If I’m just patient enough, then maybe …”

“They’ve had a hard life, so their behavior is understandable …”

“I can handle it. It’s not too much.”  

Of course, there can be truth in some of these statements. But, sometimes we mistake endurance for love. This tends to happen especially when we learn at an early age that care comes with strings attached (as Donny did with his abusive family). The problem is not that Donny is kind. It’s that his kindness has no boundaries. He continues to help Martha even when he’s uncomfortable, even when it feels unsafe. And he gives until there’s nothing left to give.

The Addiction of Almost-Love

Baby Reindeer nails something subtle but profound. Trauma doesn’t just hurt us, it also rewires how we think. Martha sent Donny something like 41,000 emails. On the surface, it’s obviously harassment. But underneath that, it’s a perfect metaphor for how toxic relationships take over our brains.

Donny gets stuck in a very familiar mental loop:

→ “I need to block her.”

→ “But she seemed so sad last time.”

→ “What if she’s actually sorry?”

It’s easy to see this kind of cycle as weak or irrational, but actually it’s chemical! Your brain is chemically responding to hope. There’s a thing in neuroscience called “intermittent reinforcement”. It’s when those rare moments of warmth amongst the chaos light up our brains like a slot machine. Like little dopamine hits. So we become addicted to the idea of someone, not the reality.

Sometimes I have asked: “What are you hoping will happen?” The answer is usually some version of: “That they’ll finally see/understand me.” But the unfortunate truth, which Baby Reindeer brings to light, is that some people only see us as a mirror for their own needs. It’s a harsh reality, but worth facing.

The Silent Shame

For me, the most heartbreaking part of the show isn’t Martha’s behavior, which is pretty sad of course. The most heartbreaking thing is Donny’s silence. How he hides the stalking from his girlfriend, his friends, even from the police. He’s not only afraid; he’s ashamed. And shame can be much heavier to carry than fear.  

Shame loves isolation. It thrives in it. Shame makes us tell ourselves things like:  

“You let this happen.”

“You’re weak.” 

“No one would understand.”

It’s a really dark and lonely place to go in your mind. This is where I feel therapy accomplishes a lot. One of the most powerful ways you can fight a shame spiral is by getting to talk about these feelings in a setting that is completely free of judgment. It’s important to feel safe to tell your story. The hope is that, through speaking about it, you can begin to separate what was done to you from what you did to survive or to cope. A therapist can help you to find that distinction and to shift some of that blame and guilt into self-compassion.  

The Light on the Other Side

I think what makes Baby Reindeer so devastating is its realism. It’s not just that it’s based on a true story. True crime tends to distance us from the monsters it depicts. But this show forces us to recognize ourselves in these characters, especially in Donny’s desperate hopefulness.

The biggest lesson we can take away from this show is that we have to stop mistaking our capacity to endure pain for our worthiness to receive love. The two are not the same. And that distinction is necessary for healing. Also, shame grows in silence. It festers. Finding that outlet--whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist--is essential to breaking the cycle and finding your truth. 

If you see yourself in this story, know that we are here to help.

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