Do you have an inner monologue? Here's why that matters in relationships.

Not everyone thinks in words.

When you’re puttering around the house doing chores, getting lost in your mind, do you hear a voice? I’ve seen these videos online of people reacting to the idea that not everyone has an “internal voice”.

Some people say they basically have a narrator running all the time in their head. Like they’re talking things through with themselves as they go.

And then other people say… they hear nothing. Or maybe they hear something, but it’s not constant. Thoughts are there, but maybe they’re not always in sentences.

I guess it sounds like one of those viral questions people debate for fun, like “is a hot dog a sandwich?” But to me, it becomes much more interesting when applied to relationships. This “internal narrator” might exist for one partner and not the other. And how does that affect the dynamic and the communication between partners?

Obviously, couples are all made up of differences. Different people think about the world differently, through their own lens. They draw their own individual conclusions. But also, significantly, they differ in how they arrive at those conclusions. And for a lot of couples, this major difference doesn’t make itself known until there’s conflict. 

Different internal worlds

So, some people think in words. Their thoughts form like sentences in their minds. There’s some structure to their thoughts before they say them out loud. They can hear a version of the sentence before it’s spoken. Sometimes they’ve even run through conversations ahead of time without meaning to. People with internal narrators can sometimes “rehearse” conversations in their minds. 

And on the other end of the spectrum, there are people who don’t have that experience at all. Their thinking might be more visual, or emotional, or just a sense of something that they’re not structuring with language. For those people, words come later, often once they actually start talking out loud about whatever the given topic is.

Neither one of these experiences is inherently better. But they do result in differences when it comes to pacing.

One person might say “I’ve been thinking about this for a while…” and they can mean that quite literally.

The other person might hear that and think “Wait… this is the first I’m hearing of it.”

Or one person might say “Why didn’t you bring this up earlier?”

And the other might think  “I felt it… but I didn’t even have words for it earlier.”

Internal worlds colliding

Some people need time alone to figure out what they think before they can say it. They need to spend some time with that internal narrator, to turn things over in their heads, try to find the right way to say something.

Other people don’t really get clarity until they’re in the conversation. Talking out loud is part of how they understand what they think in the first place. When you don’t have an internal narrator, you might not be putting words to your feelings in your own mind. You might need to do that out loud.

So when those two people come together, and especially when they have conflict, communication can feel misaligned. One person can feel like something has already been happening without them. The other feels like they’re being asked to explain something before it’s fully formed.

The tricky part is that couples often assume they’re both working from the same starting point internally and that this thought process looks the same for everyone. But it doesn’t! And it’s an important thing to learn about yourself and your partner. 

Sometimes, conflict resolution is not really about communicating more. It’s about understanding how each person has arrived at their thoughts. How those thoughts are represented in their minds will affect how they’re able to communicate them.

Once you have a better picture of each other’s internal worlds, you’ll hopefully find yourselves being more patient with one another in moments of misunderstanding.

If you're finding it difficult to communicate with your partner, you can always reach out for support. Call us to book a free consultation at (437) 375-0814 or visit https://cftc.janeapp.com/ to book online.