Are you “outgrowing” your partner?

A quiet shift…

It’s a hard thing to admit, even to yourself. You love this person. You’ve built something special. Maybe you’ve been through a lot together. But at some point you might start to feel a change… like you’re slowly becoming a new version of yourself, and they’re staying the same.

Maybe you started seeing a therapist or found a new hobby that has enhanced the way you’re seeing the world. You could be craving more depth, feeling more clear about the things that matter to you. Daily life with your partner is mostly the same, except now you’re noticing a gap.

The good news is that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It just means something’s shifting. And the difficult part is that it’s not always a big dramatic shift. It can be very subtle and gradual. The person you love just might not be growing in the same direction or at the same pace as you. And when that starts to happen, it’s natural to wonder: “Am I outgrowing them?”

Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself.

That question can bring up a lot of guilt. Like maybe you’re being too hard on them. Or expecting too much. Or you’re just going through a phase and you’ll be back to “normal” someday. But remember that change isn’t always a crisis. Change can bring some important things to the surface. Maybe you’re realizing you need more connection, more adventure, more effort, etc. Learning more about yourself and broadening your own horizons means opening the door to new agreements and experiences in your relationship. That’s a good thing!

Change and personal growth also doesn’t mean you’re “better” than your partner in some way. And it doesn’t mean they can’t grow, too. But it might mean the dynamic needs to shift. That you can’t keep pretending everything’s fine when your inner world is expanding and the relationship is staying still.

New possibilities…

And yes, that’s kind of scary. Especially if your partner is resistant to change. But if you are really committed to the relationship, the question might not be “Am I outgrowing them?” but maybe instead “Can we grow together?” 

It’s also possible for one partner to grow and the other to stay the same. That doesn’t always mean that something big needs to change in the relationship. As long as you’re able to communicate your shifting and evolving needs and your partner can make the effort to meet them, your relationship can withstand all kinds of change.

Either way, honesty and communication is the key. You don’t need to have all the answers yet, but try to notice what is changing in you. Do you need more attention? More alone time? Can you express it with kindness and vulnerability to your partner? And can they acknowledge and understand you?

It also helps to have a counselor support you through that process. Reach out if you feel you’re at a standstill. Let’s talk it out together.

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