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Something that I have been thinking about lately is the distinction between who you are and what you are.
Who you are involves the things that you can change about yourself.
What you are involves the things you cannot change about yourself.
Who you are is dynamic; it is based on what is allowed and what is not allowed.
What you are is static; it is unavoidable.
Here is how I see this distinction being useful (note: the following examples are fictional and not real client stories):
A family grappling with cultural differences.
Imagine a family struggling to accept their daughter’s decision to marry someone from a different cultural background. The daughter might focus on helping her parents see the wonderful qualities of the person she loves—his kindness, values, or accomplishments. These are aspects of who he is. However, her parents’ resistance may stem not from who he is but what he is: someone from a cultural background unfamiliar or uncomfortable for them. Recognizing this distinction can help the family navigate their feelings and find ways to bridge the gap, addressing biases and fostering acceptance.
An individual struggling with shame. Someone dealing with deep-seated shame may respond by trying to reinvent themselves. They might focus on altering external aspects of their identity: how they dress, speak, or interact with others. While these changes reflect shifts in who they are, they don’t necessarily address the shame rooted in what they are. That tension remains unless they explore the deeper, unchangeable parts of their identity—such as their core values or life experiences—and work toward self-acceptance.
A couple seeking greater connection.
A couple who is struggling to bring some sameness into their relationship may not realize that changing the ‘who’ doesn’t change the ‘what’. An essential ingredient in a successful long term relationship is accepting what the other person is. Often, couples focus on accepting the ‘who’, and trying to change the ‘who’. Whether it’s fundamental personality traits, long-term goals, or deeply ingrained behaviors, successful relationships thrive when both partners can embrace each other’s unchangeable essence rather than endlessly trying to modify it.
Why this matters:
When we acknowledge and respect the boundary between who we are and what we are, it can transform our relationships. It encourages us to work on the areas we can change while cultivating acceptance for the aspects of ourselves and others that are steadfast.
Here are some examples to clarify further.
Examples of what you are:
Your core values and beliefs
Personality traits
Life goals or ambitions
Cultural background or upbringing
Examples of who you are:
The ways in which you communicate
How you relate to your stressors and external pressures
Intimacy and sexual desire
Your expectations and how you resolve conflict
Your physical and mental health
Understanding this distinction can help us identify where to focus our energy and attention. By doing so, we build healthier, more authentic relationships with ourselves and others.
Want to discuss this further with our therapists?
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