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I often get asked as a Registered Marriage & Family Therapist what are my top 5 tips for a long lasting, healthy, happy marriage or relationship. At first, I am hesitant to suggest things that I might see as broad generalizations or things that are not tailored to a specific couple. However, over the years, I can comfortably take note of what has worked for couples. So, here are 5 things that have worked for couples consistently in no specific order.
Have a ritual during transitions
Oftentimes what is suggested to couples that may be struggling with each other is to have a dedicated date night once a week. While I have no doubt that is something that can be helpful sometimes and for some couples, to me it still seems too generic and not enough. For some couples it can even add more stress. Now someone has to plan a date - but what if a couple struggles with being competitive with each other? Or, now they have to go out of their home and find childcare - but what if a couple struggles with finances and time management? These are just some of the reasons why I wouldn’t recommend a date night.
Instead, I like to think that couples have moments together and some moments carry more weight than others. Those moments are moments of transitions. Waking up, going to bed, leaving the home for work or leaving the home for any reason, coming home after being out, or after being away, or simply just crossing paths together in your home. Those are moments, and those moments need to be capitalized on. A simple exchange during those times can go a long way.
Examples of rituals during transitions can be as simple as saying good morning or as complicated as offering a glass of water when your partner comes home from being outside the home, making coffee or tea for your partner in the morning, taking the olives off your pizza and putting it on your partner's plate because you know they just love olives, or something cheesy (but this almost always works) like bringing home flowers or any type of gift after being away on a trip. Something that signals - despite how busy our lives are, I am still thinking about you.
Connect through closeness and distance
I once asked a couple what’s the secret to a healthy and long lasting relationship given that they had been together for 23 years. To my surprise they said “We stay out of each other's way”. In fact, I have asked this question and often the responses I get are similar - “I let her do her own thing, and she lets me do my own thing”, or “We often need to take time away from each other, so we can miss each other." Too many times we invite couples to connect through closeness - a date night, or spending time together. But, what if a couple is already spending a lot of time together? This becomes a larger reality in this work from home era where couples may be around each other all the time, often unnatural amounts of time is spent together. Sometimes what works is being apart from each other. As the old saying goes “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.
Understand the developmental age of your relationship
Just like how human beings have developmental ages, I believe that relationships also have a developmental age. Babies go through important milestones and stages in their develpment. Most commonly, kids will walk at 1, talk at 2. The first year of a child’s life is unbelievably stressful, magical, beautiful, and overwhelming. The second year, things begin to become a little bit easier but new challenges arise, and that keeps happening over and over. Teenage years are marked by rebellion, and shifting of boundaries, and then eventually there is a tension of great independence and interdependence.
I believe that relationships and couples also go through similar developmental stages and milestones. The same way that the first year of a child’s life is a mix of multiple--at times conflicting--feelings, so too is the first year of a relationship. The second year and beyond carries the same theme in romantic relationships too--it gets easier, but new challenges arise, there is a shift in boundaries, there is also a tension of independence and interdependence. A couple that has been together for 20+ years may begin to ask--what do I need you for? The same way that adult children may ask their parents when they reach their 20’s and beyond.
Furthermore, you would hope that as a child grows older there is a sense of maturity, an understanding of responsibility. So too, would you hope that a relationship that grows there is a sense of maturity, and a greater sense of understanding between two people. In couples therapy, sometimes couples may expect things from their relationship that may not be developmentally appropriate for their relationship's age or their relationship has not matured at the rate that it should have.
Remember the things that drew you to each other to begin your relationship
Usually in the first or second session I like to ask the question “How did you two meet?”, or “What drew you to each other?”. This question to me gets at the heart of attraction and desire that two people feel for each other. Often this attraction and desire wanes for each other as time goes, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I believe you can still keep that original spark alive, it just requires a little bit of finessing, creativity, and intentionality. For example, let’s say you met your partner in a setting where you saw them from a distance, you paid attention to subtle things, you had a sense of admiration for them. They also, perhaps noticed you paying attention and enjoyed being seen, being noticed. I believe you can still carry aspects of that initial interaction in your relationship. To me, that initial interaction signals a few important things that need to be upheld in the relationship - a sense of distance, admiration, mystery, attention being a source of intimacy, and the importance of being seen.
Your relationship is its own entity
When I work with a couple there is often an empty chair in my office. Many people ask what that empty chair is about, and I tell them that empty chair is where their relationship sits. Their relationship is its own entity, and the members of that relationship contribute to its well-being. What you do and what your partner does impacts the relationship. Most people are good at taking care of things better than they can take care of themselves, so I ask people to take care of their relationship. Prioritize it, nurture it, recognize what it may need and also what it may want. The personification of the relationship is often a tool that can help couples unstick themselves out of patterns where there is a constant battle between individual wants and needs. Now, this doesn’t mean that one should be completely selfless for their relationship, but a balance needs to be struck between individual needs and relational needs.
For more information about how a couples therapist can support you in understanding and improving your relationship, book a session with one of our therapists or contact info@cftcollective.com.
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