Does your relationship have an "ant problem"?

Don't worry, it's just a metaphor 😄🐜

"Don't make a mountain out of a molehill"

Often when people offer relationship advice, they say things like "Choose your battles" and "Don't sweat the small stuff". We've all heard these before.

These are well-meaning reminders meant to help us discern what’s actually worth addressing in relationships and what’s best to let go. Skills that are undeniably important in any relationship.

But I find that when people are so focused on avoiding conflict and not "sweating the small stuff", what often happens is they begin to lose sight of their own needs and get caught up in the question of “Is this worth bringing up?” or  “Should I just let this go?” and they bottle things up for later.

I believe "the small stuff" that you let go of is deeply shaped by how you feel about yourself. And the amount of things pushing aside may not necessarily be good for you. If you feel small, then “the small stuff” you’ve been told not to sweat can feel even smaller, and even dismissible. If you struggle with your own self-worth, you may not even know what is worth bringing up and what isn’t. Your internal compass, the one that’s supposed to tell you what matters to you, may be distorted. You may also just delay or defer bringing things up, waiting for the right moment, the right time.

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The image that comes to mind is what I call the "ant problem".

Sometimes you see a lone ant in your kitchen. You kill it. You think, “Great, no more ants.”

Then the next day, you see another. Maybe two or three. You grab some ant spray, deal with them, and again reassure yourself: “That should be it.”

But the next day, more ants show up. And the next. At first, it’s infuriating. Then it's just annoying. Over time, it becomes routine. You learn to coexist with the ants, tolerating or “managing” their presence instead of questioning it.

But here’s the thing: if you take the time to follow the ants (with love and patience) they might lead you somewhere. Maybe nowhere. Or maybe to the colony they came from, hiding deep in a wall or beneath the floorboards, where hundreds or thousands more are living.

When we habitually suppress our discomforts or "accept the bare minimum", when we repeatedly tell ourselves it's "not worth bringing up", we reisk harbouring an entire silent colony of unmet needs, unspoken thoughts, and unacknowledged feelings. What we're really saying in those moments is "I'm not worth it."

A lone ant here or there? That’s just life. Maybe it's not worth bringing up. But if your default is to minimize or overlook your own needs, to push your feelings deep down to avoid conflict, you may end up living with an infestation.

And the solution isn’t necessarily to bring up every tiny irritation. There is some wisdom in choosing the right moments to discuss these things. My recommendation is to get to know yourself well enough to recognize when the small stuff isn’t so small anymore. Or to at least know that something may be festering inside of you.

So, if you fear you have a relational ant problem - let us know. We're here to help.

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