Don't Make a Mountain Out of a Molehill: Understanding Your Needs in Relationships

The Importance of Choosing Your Battles

Often, when people offer relationship advice, they say things like "Choose your battles" and "Don't sweat the small stuff." We've all heard these phrases before. They serve as well-meaning reminders to help us discern what’s worth addressing in relationships and what’s best to let go. These skills are undeniably important in any relationship.

However, I find that when individuals focus too much on avoiding conflict and not "sweating the small stuff," they often lose sight of their own needs. They get caught up in questions like, “Is this worth bringing up?” or “Should I just let this go?” As a result, they bottle things up for later.

The Impact of Self-Worth on Communication

I believe that "the small stuff" you choose to let go of is deeply influenced by how you feel about yourself. The number of things you push aside may not necessarily be good for you. If you feel small, then “the small stuff” you’ve been told not to sweat can feel even smaller and more dismissible. If you struggle with your self-worth, you may not even know what is worth bringing up and what isn’t. Your internal compass, which is supposed to guide you on what matters, may be distorted. You might delay bringing things up, waiting for the right moment or the right time.

The Ant Problem: A Metaphor for Unaddressed Needs

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The image that comes to mind is what I call the "ant problem." Sometimes, you see a lone ant in your kitchen. You kill it and think, “Great, no more ants.” But the next day, you see another. Maybe two or three. You grab some ant spray, deal with them, and reassure yourself: “That should be it.”

But the next day, more ants show up. At first, it’s infuriating. Then it becomes annoying. Over time, it becomes routine. You learn to coexist with the ants, tolerating or “managing” their presence instead of questioning it.

Here’s the thing: if you take the time to follow the ants (with love and patience), they might lead you somewhere. Maybe nowhere. Or perhaps to the colony they came from, hiding deep in a wall or beneath the floorboards, where hundreds or thousands more are living.

The Consequences of Suppressing Your Feelings

When we habitually suppress our discomforts or "accept the bare minimum," we risk harboring an entire silent colony of unmet needs, unspoken thoughts, and unacknowledged feelings. What we're really saying in those moments is, "I'm not worth it."

A lone ant here or there? That’s just life. Maybe it's not worth bringing up. But if your default is to minimize or overlook your own needs, to push your feelings deep down to avoid conflict, you may end up living with an infestation.

Recognizing When Small Stuff Becomes Big

The solution isn’t necessarily to bring up every tiny irritation. There is wisdom in choosing the right moments to discuss these things. My recommendation is to get to know yourself well enough to recognize when the small stuff isn’t so small anymore. Or at least to know that something may be festering inside of you.

Seeking Help for Your Relational Ant Problem

So, if you fear you have a relational ant problem, let us know. We're here to help.

If you’re ready to take the next step, consider booking a free consultation. We can work together to address your needs and improve your relationships.

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