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A really common occurrence in many relationships is a mismatch of emotions at a given moment. You might find this scenario familiar: you’re feeling a certain way, but your partner seems to be in a completely different headspace. Maybe they’re keeping their emotions in, while you want to talk. Or they’re ready to dive head-first into problem-solving when you just need to vent and release tension.
A common scenario that is often played out in Couples Therapy is one person being the “emotional one”, and the other being the “logical one”. Although overall I disagree with that division, it is a useful way to describe an observation which is that emotional differences can feel incredibly frustrating.
The truth is, we all handle our emotions differently. Some of us are more open, expressing everything we feel in the moment. Others take time to process and prefer to keep things to themselves. Likewise, some people may begin to feel afraid of their emotional experience and want a degree of certainty (this is what is commonly observed as a logical thinker), while others may easily interpret their emotional experience or might even over analyze their emotional experience (this is commonly what is observed as being too emotional). We also oscillate between both at different times in our lives. The important thing to know is that neither of these methods is better than the other. Over the course of our lives, our bodies learn how to react to different situations in ways that allow us to feel safe or comforted. That looks different for everyone and the challenge in relationships is learning how to navigate these differences together.
To that end, here are a few strategies to help you and your partner handle emotional differences in a healthy, productive way:
1. Understand Your Own Emotional Style
Self-awareness is key. Before you can understand how your partner processes emotions, take time to reflect on your own patterns. Do you tend to externalize (express outwards) or internalize (keep it all in)? Are you more focused on problem-solving and being logical than being emotionally expressive? Once you have a clearer sense of your style or your partner’s style, you can approach your relationship with more compassion.
2. Practice Active Listening
One of the most valuable skills in any relationship is learning how to truly listen. This means being fully present in the moment, putting aside any preconceived notions or judgments. When your partner shares their feelings, focus on understanding what they’re expressing, rather than preparing your response. This builds trust and helps your partner feel seen and heard.
Moreover, it’s important to know what to listen to. If a partner is having an emotional experience that they want to be heard, then it’s important to listen for feelings, and to try to connect it to your own feelings. Similarly, if your partner is intellectualizing their feelings then it might be important to listen to their thoughts, and match their logic with your own perspective. A diagram I often use shows that you should match your thinking part with your partner's thinking part, and your feeling part with your partner's feeling part.
3. Respect Emotional Boundaries
If you are someone that needs time to process their emotions it’s important to communicate to your partner some form of reassurance so that they can also give you that space. A line that I often turn to is to tell your partner in your own way “I love you, I’m not going to leave you, but I just need time and space to process these things”. Likewise, If your partner needs time to process their emotions before talking, give them that space. Alternatively, if they absolutely need to get things off their chest, then it’s important to know that what they may have said is often the first available thoughts that have come to their mind, those thoughts or ideas are not refined at all.
The goal isn’t to force your partner to process emotions the way you do, but to respect and honour their emotional boundaries. Creating a safe space for both of you to express yourselves in your own ways is crucial for the long-term health of your relationship.
4. Communicate Your Needs
If you’re someone who needs to talk things through right away, let your partner know, but do so gently. For example, you could say in your own style, “I know you need time to process things, and I respect that. But it would help me feel better if we could touch base soon. Could we talk in an hour?” By expressing your needs in a non-confrontational way, you show respect for your partner's emotional style while also honouring your own.
Deciding on a time limit that feels good for both of you can be a powerful tool. It reassures the expressive person that they will have a chance to talk things out, while at the same time allowing the introspective person to take the space they need. This may feel a bit corporate, but a good and healthy relationship has both components - a corporate side, and romantic side. It’s important to find that balance in your relationship.
5. Work Toward Emotional Flexibility
Both partners should strive for emotional flexibility, meaning that you learn to adjust your natural tendencies in order to meet each other halfway. An externalizer might practice holding back to give their partner more time to process, while an internalizer might work on opening up a bit sooner. A logical communicator may need evidence, and proof for everything, while an emotional communicator may just have a lot of feelings about things and may be more intuitive with their facts.
This doesn’t mean changing who you are but rather becoming more adaptable for the sake of the relationship. These patterns don’t change overnight. Remember that committing to your partnership means committing to learning and growing along the way.
6. Ask for Help
If emotional differences are causing tension in your relationship, it’s okay to seek help. A couples therapist can help you to explore these patterns, find balance and compromise, and strengthen your connection. Reach out when you’re ready—we would love to support you.
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