Therapy is Not Advice Giving

When I saw my first client as a therapist, I was 23 years old. I was not married, I had never lived with a romantic partner, I never held a meaningful job, I did not have children, I didn't even have any experience with living outside of my parents home. When I would tell people that I am becoming or I have become a therapist, often the first thing that they would say is “You have not even done X, how can you give advice on X?”

For a lot of people, therapy was a place where you went to seek advice. A therapist was seen as a sage, a wise person who had a lot of life experience and would give you good counsel on what you should do and what you shouldn’t do. This wasn’t a farfetched idea. For most of human history, that is what we did. When we were stuck we would go to someone who could tell us what to do. Think of Priests, Imams, Rabbis, or any other community/religious elder.

However, in my experience, the advice that a priest, imam, rabbi, or community elder gives was always in light of a set of guidelines, scriptures, or agreed upon ideas. This is similar to what a lawyer may do now. In light of the law, here is legal advice. Therapy is completely different. Therapy is not intended to give you advice based on a set of guidelines, scriptures, or agreed upon ideas. It is intended to provide you with a greater understanding of yourself so that the advice/counsel/guidance becomes clearer. It is meant to be tailor-made, and specific to you. In my experience, advice-giving or giving any sort of guidance is the last step of the process. To me, good advice is advice that is not given rather it just becomes so obvious and clear. If one could imagine it, good advice is taken.

Consider this--this is also useful for couples as a tool for communication. Someone comes to you and tells you about a problem. Your mind may immediately conjure up a solution for that problem. I would assert that whatever solution your mind just came up with is probably very premature, inadequate, and most likely not very useful. Most likely, it is what would have worked for you, and is based on your own experiences and ideas, not the other person. Moreover, you probably don’t have enough information to even give sufficient advice. So, what you may need to do is listen. Listen more to what the person is saying to you, carefully and attentively. Listen for their unmet needs, their longings, their emotions, their feelings. As you listen to this, recognize the impact that it is having on you. Is it making you uncomfortable? Is it making you sad? Is it making you angry? Is it making you afraid? Pay attention to that, because any advice that you may give out of discomfort of those feelings may just be because you’re uncomfortable and want them to stop talking. Logically speaking, if you’re uncomfortable with what you’re listening to, or having a lot of feelings, you’re probably not present, probably not even listening - so how can your advice be any good?

Oftentimes when this happens you may realize that what a person needs when they are talking to you about their problems is a place to share their sorrows and grievances. They want to split their grief and share it half with you, so it becomes easier for them to carry it. Understand the honor, privilege, and responsibility that comes with that. Often, what people need is validation. They don’t need someone to tell them that what they are doing is right or wrong, or that you agree with them. They almost always already know what is right or wrong. What they need is someone to say to them, "Given your circumstances, it makes sense that you would do that. If I had your circumstances, I would probably do the same." After all of that something magical happens, most people are able to unlock for themselves what they should and shouldn’t do. 

Almost 10 years later - I am now married, with two children, a homeowner, and a meaningful career. No one asks or wonders whether or not I can give good advice. They all assume that I can probably give pretty good advice. However, I don’t give advice. I do what I did when I was 23 - listen, validate, ask good questions, and remind myself - I am not a savior, I am just a stepping stone in the right direction.