Finding Balance When One Partner Carries the Load

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “Why am I the one who always plans things?” or “Why does it feel like I’m the only one who notices what needs to be done?”—you’re not alone. Many couples and families fall into this pattern where one person naturally takes on more responsibility, while the other steps back.

In some relationships, there’s a healthy agreement about which partner will handle different things. But sometimes, it happens unknowingly. When this kind of dynamic arises without proper acknowledgement, it can leave one partner feeling overwhelmed, potentially resentful, and even sometimes lonely, while the other person might feel nagged, inadequate, or unsure of how they can contribute.

This pattern—let’s call it the overfunction/underfunction dynamic—is something we see often in our work with couples. To be clear, this is not about blame or fault; it’s about how two people, with the best of intentions, can unintentionally fall into roles that don’t serve either of them very well. The good news is that with awareness, compassion, and a willingness to try something new, this dynamic can shift. Read on to find out how. 

So, what does this actually look like in real life?

Let’s paint a picture. Maybe you’re the partner who:

• Keeps track of everyone’s schedules (i.e., doctor’s appointments, birthday parties, school events, etc.)

• Plans date nights, family outings, and holidays

• Manages the household budget, pays bills on time, and remembers when the car needs an oil change

  
  

Or maybe you’re on the other side of this dynamic, where you:

• Feel like nothing you do is ever “good enough,” so you’ve stopped trying

• Get frustrated when your partner micromanages or criticizes your efforts

• Want to help but don’t know where to start—or worry you’ll just make things worse

This dynamic often stems from a combination of personality traits, upbringing, and the natural ebb and flow of relationships. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s sustainable.

Why does this happen?

At its core, this overfunction/underfunction dynamic often comes down to two things: control and avoidance. The overfunctioner takes the initiative because they want things done a certain way (and let’s be honest, they’re usually quite good at it). Meanwhile, the underfunctioner steps back because they feel like when they do take initiative, they’re told they’ve done something “wrong”, or their efforts aren’t appreciated.

So, over time, we see a cycle forming: the more one person controls things, the less the other feels the need to contribute. And before you know it, you’re stuck in a pattern where one person is carrying most of the mental, emotional, and logistical load.

How do you shift this dynamic?

Here are some ways you can start to gently and compassionately shift things:

1. Name the pattern together

   
   

The first step toward change is always to name the issue. Start by bringing this dynamic into the light. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed I tend to take on a lot of the planning and organizing, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I wonder if we could talk about how we share some of this stuff?” The key here is to approach the conversation with curiosity, not criticism. (You might remember this same advice from our previous articles -- it’s super important!) This isn’t about pointing fingers. When you raise the subject with a critical tone, you’re encouraging your partner to close themselves off or become defensive. Curiosity and kindness really go a long way here.

2. Let go of perfection

   
   

If you’re the overfunctioner in the relationship, this one’s a tip for you. It’s hard to step back when you’re used to being in charge, but it’s essential if you want your partner to step up. Giving up control can be uncomfortable, but try to let go of the idea that things need to be done your way. Remember that your partner was (most likely) a self-sustaining person before they met you. Everyone has their own way of doing things, and that doesn’t make them all wrong. Trust that your partner can handle it—even if it looks a little different from how you’d do it. This will take practice, but try it with small things at first. And that leads us into the next tip.

3. Start small and celebrate the effort

   
   

If you’re the underfunctioner, consider taking on one small task that you know would lighten your partner’s load. Maybe it’s getting the groceries for the week or planning a little date night. And if you’re the overfunctioner, try to acknowledge and appreciate your partner’s efforts, even if they’re not “perfect”. A simple “Thank you for doing that—it really helps me out” can accomplish a lot.

4. Get curious about the underlying needs

   
   

Often, the little things we argue about—like who forgot to take out the trash—are just the tip of the iceberg. Try to get curious about what’s really going on when you argue. Are you maybe feeling unappreciated and that’s coming out in the way you react to certain things? Is your partner feeling inadequate or maybe sensitive to criticism? When we dig deeper, we often find that the real issue isn’t about the tasks at all—it’s about us not feeling seen, valued, and connected.

At the end of the day, you’re not going to make everything perfectly equal. That’s just not how relationships work. There will always be some natural imbalances and some days you’ll give a lot more than you take, while other days you’ll take a lot more than you give. This is about creating a relationship where both people feel supported. The goal is to work as a team—not as a manager and employee.

If you’re still feeling stuck, that’s okay. Shifting these patterns takes time and practice, and it’s not always easy to do on your own. In our work with couples, we often help partners explore the underlying issues, improve communication, and find ways to share the load more evenly.

If this resonates with you, we’d love to hear from you. At Couples & Family Therapy Collective, we’re here to help you and your partner find your way to balance—with warmth, understanding, and some guidance.

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