
If you’re reading this article, this might be a familiar scene to you. You and your partner just had a disagreement. There’s tension in the air and you know the stand-off could last for the next few hours—or even days—unless someone makes the first move and apologizes. That “someone” is almost always you.
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, Why do I always have to apologize first? you’re not alone. This shows up in many relationships. When one partner struggles to apologize, apologies can end up feeling uneven and exhausting, but they also reveal a lot about the dynamics of your relationship.
Why It Feels One-Sided
First, let’s acknowledge that apologies are complicated. For some people, saying “I’m sorry” comes pretty naturally. For others, it’s very difficult. Like many things, how we approach conflict and apologies often stems from our early experiences. If you grew up in a household where apologizing was encouraged (or maybe even enforced as a rule), it might feel easier to step up and smooth things over by saying sorry. But let’s say your partner didn’t have that same model growing up. For example, maybe they grew up in a home where communication was limited and family members either brushed things off or buried their feelings. In that case, they might see apologies differently or avoid them altogether.
Maybe you’re one of those people who have made a habit out of apologizing first because you care more about peace and harmony than you do about being “right”. Of course, this isn’t a bad thing. But it can understandably lead to frustration if it feels like you’re always the one carrying the weight of resolution.

What’s Happening Beneath the Surface
When one person is consistently apologizing first, it can create a subtle imbalance in the relationship. The person apologizing might start to feel resentful, while the person waiting for the apology may not even realize that’s happening. This is where it’s important to remember that relationships are about balance. Sure, some partners are stronger than others in certain areas and maybe one partner does more of the housework or weekly planning. Those types of imbalances should feel good for both partners. But, when it comes to conflict resolution, the responsibility cannot be on one partner alone. There needs to be some give and take on both sides.
It’s also worth asking yourself: Are you apologizing because you’ve reflected on your own behaviour and you genuinely feel sorry for something? Or are you just trying to avoid further conflict? If it’s the latter, your apology might not actually be acknowledging the issue at hand. When an apology feels disconnected from the situation, it can leave both of you feeling stuck in the same cycle, as if the conflict hasn’t really been resolved.
Breaking the Pattern of Always Apologizing
If you’re tired of being the first to say “I’m sorry,” here are a few ways to reset the dynamic:
Talk about this when you’re not in the middle of conflict Choose a calm moment (when neither of you are heated) to talk about how apologies happen in your relationship. Let your partner know that you feel an imbalance when you’re usually the one who initiates resolution. Ask them how they feel about apologies. Did they hear a lot of apologies growing up or is it relatively foreign for them? Do they feel ashamed or afraid to apologize? Sometimes just naming the pattern can help both of you see it more clearly. Most importantly, explore this from a place of curiosity, not resentment.
Reframe what an apology means Some people avoid apologizing because they see it as admitting defeat or taking all the blame. That can be a really hard thing to do, especially if they’re a person who tends to be very self-critical. Accepting and admitting that you did something wrong can be a big hurdle to overcome. So what if you reframed apologies as a way to acknowledge your partner’s feelings, rather than assigning fault? If you’re the partner who finds it difficult to apologize, try something like “I’m sorry that in the moment I didn’t consider how my behaviour would affect you.” Perhaps this framing can help you to feel less blamed. Maybe you had a reason for behaving how you did, and that can be valid. But your actions still hurt your partner, and that is the real purpose of the apology--not to take the blame, but to acknowledge the outcome.
Let the silence do the work If you’re the partner who is always apologizing first, it’s okay to pause and let your partner take the lead sometimes. This might feel uncomfortable, especially if you feel awkward in the tension and you tend to avoid conflict in general. But giving them a little time and space can help them to reflect and cool off. You might be pleasantly surprised what a little self-reflection can accomplish.
Try to Reset Without Resentment
Relationships are rarely 50/50 in every moment. Sometimes you give more; sometimes your partner does. But if you find yourself carrying the burden of repair more often than not, it’s worth exploring why. It’s important to foster a dynamic that feels fair and supportive for both of you.
At the end of the day, it’s not about keeping score. It’s about understanding each other, finding balance, and building a relationship where both partners feel valued and heard.
Do you need support in creating a fair and balanced dynamic in your relationship?
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